Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
