one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
