glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
