Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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