they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
