the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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