My Higher Power is John Stamos
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
