I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
