No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
