finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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