here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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