What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
