someone threw a dead crab at me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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