I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
