Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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