Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
