Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
