How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
