I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
