I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
