You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
