woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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