fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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