I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
