I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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