Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
