sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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