OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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