So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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