you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
