When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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