I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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