hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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