i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
