so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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