Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
