dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
