Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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