Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Your dad touched me again.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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