I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
