These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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