He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
