wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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