I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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