hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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