fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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