hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Randomize
