Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
