Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
