My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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