Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
