in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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