dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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