Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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