I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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