dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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