But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize